Invasi alien

Apalah arti orang lain bagi dirimu?
Terkecuali ia bertalian darah atau terikat oleh eratnya perjumpaan di masa lampau, bukan tidak mungkin nihil nilainya.
Kuingin jujur mengingkari kemunafikan yang mengatur mekanisme tata cara manusia berinteraksi.
Tapi ku tetap ingin bertutur kata tanpa tatapan membinasakan mereka.

- R.U.S
31/03/2006
20:47
St Lucia
Brisbane, Queensland
Australia

Aku bosan.
Bukan dengan hidup. Apalagi dengan keadaan. Justru kedua hal itu yang seringkali bagai awan kelabu dan acapkali singgah memendungkan hatiku kini berubah layaknya pelangi yang timbul sesudah hujan yag deras.

Aku bosan.
Dengan diriku sendiri. Bukan karena ia tetap stagnan. Justru belakangan ini diriku seperti waktu yang berubah-ubah tak terbendung walaupun sekuat tenaga kita kerahkan untuk berkompromi dengannya.

Saya heran, bingung, bimbang, marah, sedih, kesal, takut, berharap, percaya. Semua emosi itu seringkali menjustifikasi satu sama lain namun bukan sekali dua kali saja ia justru mejadi kontradiksi.

Sedari kecil, ayah mengajarkanku menjadi lelaki yang berharga diri, berani, dan melindungi keluarga. Di sisi lain, ibuku mendidikku sebagai anak yang ingin tau akan segala hal, mencari segala kemungkinan itu, dan menjadi seorang pandai.

Ketika beranjak pada awal usia remaja, kenyataan berbicara lain. Keberanian besar dan harga diri tinggi yang kupunya ternyata tidak seberapa. Dan kalau dipikir-pikir memang salahku menantang sekelompok anak-anak remaja yang lebih tua dan juga lebih banyak saat mereka mengusili temanku sambil mendemonstrasikan ego dasar kaum adam. Selanjutnya, menjadi anak pandai dan berprestasi yang dulu diagung-agungkan ternyata juga bukan sebuah posisi yang menarik. Toh, yang ditengok disini adalah gel dan sepatu yang kamu pakai ke sekolah setiap harinya.

Di puncak usia remaja, kusadar akan jalan yang kutempuh selama ini bukan hitam maupun putih. Setapak berwarna abu-abulah dimana kita menginjak dan melewati waktu. Tapi aku senang. Karena berarti aku bisa saja bukanlah aku. Aku bisa saja menjadi dia untuk sesaat di suatu tempat, seterusnya aku dapat menjadi dia yang lain di tempat yang lain. Rupanya, inilah yang membuatku sangat diterima orang. Wuiih, alangkah bahagianya seekor lebah yang menemukan sarang madunya ini.

Di awal masa dewasa, dimana tanggung jawab meningkat secara drastis minus penyediaan sandang, pangan, papan bagi seorang diri. Aku sudah belajar banyak sekali mengenai manis, pahit, asamnya hidup. Sadar ini baru sepercik garam di tengah lautan, ku justru semakin enggan untuk menghadapi masa depan.

Saya heran, bingung, bimbang, marah, sedih, kesal, takut, berharap, percaya.

Kenapa?

Karena sekarang seorang atau sesuatu telah mengambil badanku dan bertingkah semaunya membiarkanku sebagai penonton di kursi VIP pertunjukannya.

The number and it's magic turn

Personally, endorphines and nonetheless has been highlighting the ever so changing process of what is known as life. The question regarding whether my well-being is in a sufficient normal functioning level is self-explanatory. On the other hand, there are other factors that may effect this inclination of positiveness in the deeper non-superficial level. Being 21 years old, they say, is magic. The turning point in one individual's moment from late adolescence into young adult. A fact that the word adult and any inquisiton to actually be in that role would normally burden me was actually nowhere to be found. Seems the sheer imagination of adapting a larger-than-life position does'nt seem as overwhealming as the actual thing.

A 21th birthday, was the day supposedly many of your answers on life would be answered. I have found almost all of them. As a psychology student, we are doctrined by very constrict theories on (normal) human developmental stages. We (together with educators) are the people solely responsible for the age grading and class level you attend, aside from creating measures for intelligence aptitute and how stupid are you compared to the rest of the population. At first, being a sceptic by nature I always had this strong stance on why numbers (age) would determine where you go later in life (i.e. the unwritten rule that to be in a certain position need a certain age; for example a proffesor must be a certain age to actually have that position). However, I now do believe in that authoritarian practice. Age is not just a number. It is the amount of quantity and quality on your life and the lessons that you have learned. And no. There is no quality difference whatsoever for each individuals in correlation to quantity. A 9 year old poor street boy does'nt learn any better than a 9 year old plump spoiled rich kid. The main difference is the the street boy learns how to deal with hunger and to overcome it (i.e., to see pass people with very negative ulterior motives (i.e. street rapist, slave traders), and masters the art of forming clicks for their surviving needs (i.e. street gangs, the stronger you are, the easier it is to survive). On contrary, the rich kid learns how to exert power wisely (i.e. using people such as his maid to obtain his objectives), to use social manipulation (i.e. using the best strategies such as crying or praising mom to get a new toy car), and the ability to make decisions (i.e. choosing the preffered dish in a restaurant). In comparing the lessons stated above you would notice the difference that both have in nature. Nonetheless, what they learn is perfectly the same considering their enviroment.

In regard to the argument above, the concept of "age ain't nothing but a number" notion must be strongly rejected. Age is a milestone of rememberance of the experiences in life, the reactions in it, and finally the coping strategies that could otherwise be utilized in later years. So, the next time someones come up to and ask "How old are you?", answer it with pride and dignity. Because, you age may well one of those thing clearly defining you.

A blank slate of paradoxical oxymorons

A better social life + A thighter academic callender (and the hefty will-power to go by it) + A more organised household = Less time blogging.

And how I miss the lonely scattered deppressed moments on times like this.

Tabula Rasa

Crowded pavement and unfamiliar scenes
Lining squares of electrons consuming human
Tounge made out of rotten sushi and chips
Verbs, consonants, and enumerations in a hectic whirl pool

The individual bravement of shining
The collective battle of comforming

Craves grinding leaves to leave consciousness
Idols predicament and self-discontents

Losing buffer clicks, gaining discomforting firewalls

I'm heavily fucked up

And I wish you were here






*Dedicated to the betterment of past and the sorrow of tommorow